1. Sally has 3 apples, Shawna has an organically grown grapefruit, Molly has a new Powerpuff Girls pencil case, and Madison’s dad is in substance abuse rehab for the 3rd time in two years. If we assume that your former best-friend Riley has not invited you to her 12th-birthday party (at which, just, everyone else is invited) and you drop Drama Club in favor of getting high with your boyfriend Jayden for most of high school junior year, calculate the rate of change (z) in the encroachment of despair, given that (x) is an essentially useless $200,000 degree in art history from UPenn and (y) is a long-standing and undiagnosed eating disorder.
2. Arrange the following elements according to atomic weight, from smallest to greatest:
c) The inadvisability of mixing Adderall, Ecstasy, and 2 glasses of chardonnay
e) The chances of that asshole Kevin posting that photo of you to Is Anyone Up?
g) The fact that Leah is fucking the Iranian TA in exchange for an A in this class
3. It can be argued that a narrative tension arises in Pride And Prejudice between Austen’s impulse, on the one hand, to mock social conventions (as when Elizabeth arrives at Netherfield with muddy skirts), and defend them (as in Elizabeth’s stern censure of Lydia for eloping with Wickham). To what extent does the “happy ending,” earned in large part by the restoration of societal convention, conflict with Austen’s underlying message? Or does it even matter, given that everyone knows the senile old farts in the Academy will vote Best Picture every time for any upper-crusty film about aristocrats with Brit accents? Likewise, is your sympathy for Elizabeth undermined by the fact that Keira Knightley (Oscar nom’d as Elizabeth in 2005) is now flashing her boobs in those super-trashy Chanel perfume ads? And what about Keira’s recent split with long-time beau and major hottie Rupert Friend (Mr. Wickham, no less!)? Finally, in a potential reboot of the Pride And Prejudice franchise, who do you see cast as Elizabeth? Super-hot Emma Stone? Or pop diva Katy Perry? Explain your reasoning.
4. It’s been two years since you dropped out of the University of Albany to “get your head straight” and seven months since your dad suspended your AMEX account. But no one does that “whole cap-and-gown slavery dance anymore.” It’s all social media now and building content with viral potential. One fucking laughing-baby-in-a-high-chair video can generate twenty, thirty grand from click-thrus, never mind the edgy, avant-garde shit you’ve been doing with Stefan, who you met delivering Chinese food. No one reads your blog and no one ever will, but that whole “reading text thing” is a dead end anyway. You’re up in the low four-figures in YouTube views for your film “Transverse Conduit 171A” and you’d be even higher if Google wasn’t a fucking pay-to-play scam. As for Zoey, well, she’ll be back, and the rent won’t be a problem. Briefly discuss possible motivations for getting out of bed this morning.
5. Draw a simple flow chart that correctly describes the relationship among the following variables:
a) Your 12-month contract position at a popular news site that requires strong journalism skills, comprehensive programming knowledge, and personal scheduling flexibility
b) Your checking account balance of $23.70
c) Alternating feelings of listlessness and fear
d) $85,000 in student loan debt
e) The fact that single women outnumber single men in this city by, like, 200,000, so that every schlubby guy with back hair and bad breath is dating a supermodel, while you’re getting shingles from working eleven hours a day and wearing one of the two decent blouses you can afford
Related: Topics For Further Discussion