Elevator Pitches of the Damned

 

Elevator Pitches, Book Proposals, Hollywood, Literary Agents, fiction

Your host, in his unfortunate “Inspector Clouseau Period”

 

Justice League of Hollywood

By day they ply their exalted trade as thespians on the world stage, embodying the hopes and dreams of their legions of fans. But when the sound stages go dark and the catering packs up, a select few of the Hollywood elite, endowed with otherworldly powers beyond the ken of common folk, take to the night streets of Hollywood and Beverly Hills (or around the world, as location shooting permits), righting wrongs and battling the forces of evil. George Clooney is Synergio, master of the ancient art of strategic personal branding and wielder of the Knowing Smirk. Gwyneth Paltrow is Hype, able to raise or lower the Q rating of any person on earth, using only the super-kinetic powers of her mind. Taylor Kitsch is Unsealio, capable of opening all manner of  balky condiment jars, child-safe prescription containers and molded plastic anti-theft packaging, with only his bare hands. Blake Lively is Beardra, who, with her all-powerful Penumbra of Femininity, is able to provide even the most transparently gay action-movie hunks with plausible heterosexual romantic cover. Together with Zooey Deschanel as Sophistra, Elf Queen of the Elegant #Humblebrag, this alliance of A-list celebrity superstars faces its greatest challenge when an Iranian terrorist splinter cell, financed by the Saudi royal family, attempts to hijack the western world’s stockpiles of Botox and human growth hormone. Will the Justice League of Hollywood triumph? Or will the world’s unrealistic standards of beauty be compromised?

 

A Race Against Time

See, there’s this guy, he’s a physicist, but way out there on the cosmological fringe, tinkering with theories of special and general relativity, gravitational singularities and such, I won’t get into it except to say it’s totally possible and involves theories of space-time dilation, but anyway, he invents a Time Machine. But the thing is, it turns out that the world’s history is basically hundreds and hundreds of millions of years of not that much, you know? I mean, virtually all of it is inaccessible to the Time Traveler because the atmosphere is mostly CO2, or there’s inland seas or glaciers popping up everywhere. Even if you get a patch of land going, a frigging passing dragonfly is the major event of the week. Human history is a fraction of an eyeblink in time, and even most of that is pretty much empty grass fields of nothing, with occasionally a couple of people sitting on a log, smoking stinky pipes and complaining about the food. It doesn’t take the physicist long to discover that all of human civilization on earth amounts to about 6,000 years, give or take, then a rapid die-off followed by umpteen million years of more seas and glaciers, a handful of inconsequential rodents, then a long, gradually increasing aridity and increase of temperature until the earth is engulfed by the dying sun. So anyway, the physicist eventually moves the Time Machine out to the garage, puts a tarp over it, and takes a tenured job in the physics department at UC Santa Barbara.

 

Launch Codes of the Heart

She was just a small-town girl, working as a communications specialist at Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming. He was an Air Force Lt. Colonel, one of a handful of men entrusted with the keys to unleash Armageddon. And though she had long ago hardened the launch silo of her heart against the tactical first strike of love, her strategic defenses were no match for a hero who surely possessed the launch codes of her heart. But even as their budding romance goes operational and swiftly escalates toward DEFCON3, global hostilities in the Persian Gulf region rise to a fever pitch, US forces are placed on high alert … hmmm? What? Oh, come on, honey, you never heard of Love On An Elevator? I was just thinking … what? I was just … well that’s hardly … okay, okay! Fine! Jesus Fucking Christ, who do I have to blow around here to get five fucking pages of my novel read? Do you know how much these symposium things cost? No, of course you don’t, Mr. Big Cheese Literary Agent with your fucking fancy nametag! No I will not be quiet! This is all a money-making scam anyway! Go ahead! Fine! Call security! See if I care!

 

Ranger Danger

Someone is feeding the foxes of Grand Island State Park. Once these proud omnivorous mammals of the Canidae family lived according to the age-old laws of tooth and claw. But now every Triscuit, every Cheez-It, every Twizzler makes the fox a little softer, a little tamer, a little less able to fend for itself in the somewhat-mostly-wild confines of Grand Island. Ranger Dale Perkins has seen it all in his years as an officer of the National Park Service. The heedless depredations of hordes of ignorant tourists. The contempt for the natural order of things. The misguided lack of respect for rangers who, in many states, are vested with some provisional powers of law enforcement. But now he’s drawing a line in the estuarial silt. He won’t stand by and do nothing while the fox is robbed of his natural birthright. Ranger Dale, along with his trusted ally Shaniqwa, a summer temp worker assigned to the noon-to-6pm shift at the Field B concession stand, engage in a dangerous cat-and-mouse game with the visitors to Grand Island. A battle of wits in which Ranger Dale must rely on his own fox-like cunning to prevail over those who would trample the last frontiers of wilderness and tip the very balance of Nature out of equilibrium.

 

Be Your Own Thing

What we’re looking to do is expand the Be Your Own Thing phenomenon beyond the parameters of strictly social media and online buzz and establish penetration into other formats. I mean, down the road, we’re looking at couture for young girls, age seven to thirteen, we’re looking at product placement in youth-oriented film and TV. We’ve got a Be Your Own Thing band/TV show awaiting a green light for development at Disney, we’re this close. But for right now, we’re advancing a Stage Two expansion into books and an MMO gaming experience. Obviously, for our purposes, today, we’re here to talk about books. Kids love books, am I right? With our established social media platform, we’ve got the ear of kids, literally millions of them by way of Twitter, Facebook, our network of affiliated Tumblr and Pinterest accounts, plus … the what? The book? Well, it’s a Be Your Own Thing book. With the Be Your Own Thing brand. The story? Oh, the story! Well, we’ll get a writer for that.

Related: Topics For Further Discussion

Related: The New Art Of Conspicuous Plagiarism

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