Netflix Profile, Your DVD Reviews (588)

 

John Travolta, GodMichael

 

 

I suppose this is a silly film and no one here likes it much, but I do. If I were one of God’s angels and I were a man, I would definitely be John Travolta and all the women would leave their boyfriends and dance around me. I can’t even remember the last time I danced with a man, even for one song in a club somewhere. Imagine in this day and age, going out on a date with dancing, instead of to some bar with the football game on TV. I cried when John Travolta saved the dog and I even cried when he danced. He’s such a lovely dancer.  My friend Evelyn says angels are all around us and I hope she’s right, though she also buys rosaries and mass cards blessed by the Pope on Amazon. John Travolta is so charming and graceful and has such nice eyes that of course he would have to be gay and have sex with men in steamrooms, as they say now.  Surprise, surprise, I say. There are no charming men in real life.

28 out of 93 members found this review helpful

 

The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Complete Second Season

 

 

This show is probably one of my first memories. It was always on Channel 2 on Sundays after All in the Family and my mother would cut up a quart of butter pecan ice cream into four slices with a knife she ran under hot water. Mary was so sweet and Lou so gruff and Ted so dumb and Murray always knew the perfect thing to say. My dad, this was the only show he ever laughed out loud at, this and the Carol Burnett Show. I guess I was six years old. My dad worked for 35 years in the same place as an engineer for GM, designing office spaces. (Imagine having such a job today, designing offices for your company!) Every year, there was a company picnic in July and a Christmas party in December, and my dad knew everyone and everyone knew him. There were softball games and bowling teams and on Thursday nights my mom went out with the other GM wives. “Generous Motors,” they called it, and they weren’t kidding. I always loved how Mary had her desk and Murray had his and Lou’s door was always open. You could tell that they all really loved each other and they loved coming to work. Where I work at the customer service center here in Wichita, no one eats together in the break room. No one talks to each other. Even just five years ago, you at least knew the other girls’ names. No more. Mr. Grant never timed Mary Richard’s trips to the ladies’ room on his watch, but the work still got done. Of course in the last season of the Mary Tyler Moore Show (spoiler alert!) everyone gets fired from the station, so the joke was already on us, I guess.

18 out of 45 members found this review helpful

 

Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore50 First Dates

 

 

Anyway, the walrus and the penguins are cute. And so is Drew Barrymore, who’s good in everything. I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy, but does anyone find Adam Sandler believable as a sensitive guy with a heart of gold? Really?  Back when I still had my looks, I used to turn a deaf ear to guys like Adam Sandler and keep on walking. Canned sweet talk and their eye always on the main chance. Now the whole world is Adam Sandlers. Thirty-year-old teenagers who grew up on computer p*rn, video games, and Korn. 50 First Dates? How about fifty variations of some guy buying you a drink and asking you if you “like it freaky?” Some slopey forehead eager beaver with steroid arms and a beer belly who thinks making a video on his phone of you having sex is “nasty hot.” A video you can bet will be on his friends’ phones 40 seconds after he’s out the damned door. Adam Sandler, every one of ’em. I’m old enough to remember when certain “extras” were off the menu until you at least were committed in a relationship. Now, every guy you meet wants to do it up there on the second date. (And you know what I mean, “up there.”) Or maybe your friend would like to “get her freak on” too? Yes, how did you know! That’s exactly what I want! To get naked with a woman I used to know from the law office and have sex with some drunken fool I just met with a tribal tattoo around his neck! Because I’m so freaky! Not that I even meet guys anymore, since it turns out that thirty-five was the magic age that renders you completely invisible.

11 out of 37 members found this review helpful

 

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Stephenie MeyerThe Twilight Saga: New Moon

 

 

Enjoy it while you can, kids, that’s all I’ve got to say. It’s a moment in time and then it’s gone. I had my chances. God knows I could have settled for less. And you know what? I’d be happier today if I had. That’s the honest truth. In movies like this, they say it’s a mistake to settle for less than the moon and the stars and choirs of angels singing when you let some guy feel your boobs. But settling for less is the dirty business of this life and you’d best get to it while you got something to hang a price tag on. The guys who cheat and the guys who drink and the guys who can’t keep a halfway decent job and the guys who wear lifts in their shoes and have five different accounts on OKCupid? That’s most of the guys out there, in the end. I was engaged once, a dozen years ago. Or engaged to be engaged anyway, when Justin got drunk one night and hit me. Just hauled off and belted me. He’d never hit me before and he never got the chance again. I was still young enough to have my little circle of clucking hens, all of us little office girls up to our hips in a month’s worth of drama. Burning up the phone lines. Some of those girls got married and some didn’t and most of them are gone today, who knows where. Justin got himself a good-paying job digging wells for the county and he never did get married. He lived in a big style for a while and then he got his

31 out of 245 members found this review helpful

 

Tobey Maguire, Sam RaimiSpider-Man 3

 

 

arm caught in some machine or another and now he’s on disability. I’d see him every couple of months or so when I used to go out, just a hi or goodbye. That’s it, that’s how life is. The only guys left now are the guys who have nothing and wouldn’t mind sharing some of yours. Or the guys who have plenty and are looking at girls ten years younger than you are, if they’re looking for anything long-term at all. And of course, the gays. More of them every year, it seems. Although I guess we always had the same amount, but they were in the closet. We had our time in the sun, all of us girls out on Cheney Lake in some guys’ boat, drinking beer and telling tales and daydreaming about maybe meeting some guy in the club later that night. This movie, Spider-Man, I saw it and I already don’t remember a thing about it. All the movies and the songs today hardly make sense to me anymore, it’s all comic books and clanging club songs sung by machines.

13 out of 112 members found this review helpful

 

Bonnie Franklin, Valerie Bertinelli, Pat HarringtonOne Day At A Time: The Complete First Season

 

 

This one was on when I was ten or twelve, right when I first started really doing my hair and thinking about boys. Ann Romano had this sassy little bobbed haircut with always a stray lock out of place that had to be tossed or blown back into place whenever she was peeved off at somebody. I did my hair exactly like that and was always on the lookout for reasons to be angry so I could huff a strand of hair out of my eyes and stomp away. All the men buzzed around Ann like bees and she didn’t care a whit. She had her own job at the law office and her own apartment. When David proposed to her, she just said thanks, but no thanks, and grinned her flirty little grin at everybody. Man, I wanted to be Ann Romano when I grew up. And now I have my own apartment, but I don’t have the job at the law office anymore. They canned me after eight years (4 weeks severance) and now I work at the customer service center. In six years, they gave me one cost of living raise, then they cut my hourly rate twice in the last three years. All the bees have stopped buzzing and I don’t grin my flirty little grin at anybody. And there’s nowhere really to go but down. Sometimes I feel like my life is a big house where the lights are going off and the windows are going dark one at a time.

0 out of 13 members found this review helpful

 

Related: The Bail Bondsman’s Guide To Birds of the American Northeast

Related: Elevator Pitches of the Damned

 

Leave a Reply