Election Morning After: GOP Soul Searching Begins

Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, 2012 Presidential Election



BOSTON, MA — With the results in for the 2012 U.S. Presidential election, Democrats have what they believe is a voter mandate for their fiscal and social policies of the last four years, while the Republicans are left to pick up the pieces. Already, key GOP political strategists are sifting through the ashes of a failed Romney campaign, seeking clues as to where the effort went wrong. There’s no shortage of finger-pointing and blame-shifting, but many well-placed party operatives have been candid in their opinions of where Romney lost his way, while others have suggested measures targeted at getting the party back on its feet after the electoral drubbing they received on Tuesday.

Many of these GOP operatives were willing to speak off the record to our reporters. Here’s what we’re hearing:

1. “Let’s just SAY that Mitt Romney won. Mitt Romney IS president of the United States. Is it true? Who knows? Let the fact-checkers worry about it. As long as Hannity says it’s true, our Tea Party crowd will never know the difference.”

2. “Clearly, the 18th century movement to expand the vote beyond wealthy white male landowners hurt us in this election.”

3. “Our last minute policy initiative to offer “Tuesday Double Coupon Bonus Savings” on angioplasties and hip replacements as part of the Ryan Medicare Reform didn’t give us the boost we were looking for.”

4. “Next time, we’re not going to craft our entire election platform as a means to get to the right of Herman Cain.”

5. “The Obama re-election team’s state-of-the-art voter-targeting metrics and advanced computer modeling of voter turnout in battleground states were exceptional. On our side, the binders full of women that Mitt gave us were virtually useless.”

6. “We should have positioned Paul Ryan as a “rape baby.” I mean, look at the guy. It’s definitely plausible. And it’s inspirational. ‘Woman raises baby of her rapist and he grows up to become a vice presidential candidate.’ We could have carried Ohio with that.”

7. “Romney endorsements from Meat Loaf and Ted Nugent were helpful. But when last-minute negotiations with Foghat and Brownsville Station broke down, that really hurt us. For 2016, you can bet we’ve already reached out to all the members of Grand Funk Railroad and Thin Lizzy. Those that are alive.”

8. “Let’s have our lawyers get a recount started in Pennsylvania and Ohio. We recount some ballots for a few hours and then we get the Supreme Court to strike down the recount as unconstitutional and award the election to George Bush Mitt Romney. Somebody get Scalia on the phone.”

9. “That SuperStorm Sandy thing that Obama pulled off was sheer genius. KILLED our momentum. For 2016, we’ve got to get ourselves a California earthquake and get in FRONT of that fucker, media-wise.”

10. “In retrospect, our targeted GOP voter initiative to reach out to Hispanics, Why Don’t You Just Self-Deport Yourselves?, didn’t resonate favorably. We should have emphasized the emotional bond Mitt has with his undocumented landscapers right from the start. Also, maybe done some photo ops with Ricky Martin.”

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