Topics for Further Discussion: The Last Time


Huey Newton, Black Panther Party, American politics, revolution, Bicentennial MinuteThe last Bicentennial Minute was broadcast on CBS-TV on December 31, 1976 at 8:57 PM EST. It was narrated by black activist Huey Newton, who asked Americans to “fight the oppressors of our modern slave state, down to the last bullet and bomb, just like George fucking Washington.”

The last $1 Video Rewind Fee was paid by Steven Blakely at a Blockbuster Video in Scobeyville, New York on November 2, 2000. The video was a VHS copy of Turner & Hooch (Touchstone, 1989).

The last validated instance of one person interjecting “That’s what she said!” into a conversation and eliciting a laugh occurred on February 12, 1997 in a Steak & Ale franchise in Fayetteville, Arkansas. The statement that precipitated the witty rejoinder was “This piece o’ meat ain’t worth no $8.95!”

The last sports contest played at New York’s Polo Grounds was a wrestling match that pitted former Detroit Lions defensive tackle Alex Karras against an American brown bear. The three-round match, which was televised on ABC-TV’s Wide World of Sports on July 22, 1964, was won by the bear on points, 22-13.

The last unicorn died of dehydration in a sumptuously appointed third-floor bedroom in the Neverland estate of recording artist Michael Jackson on June 12, 1992. The animal’s existence was known to four people on Earth (Mr. Jackson, the child actor Macauley Culkin, and the animal’s two full-time caretakers, Wanda Jefferson and her daughter, Duchess.) The animal died as a result of Mr. Jackson’s decision to terminate the employment of two-thirds of his estate’s staff on June 6, 1992, based on the advice of his astrologer.

The last person under the age of 70 to wear a fedora in public without coming off as a preening, clueless jackoff was Gerald Kelly on January 10, 1986. The event in question was a Human League show at the Lyceum Ballroom in Glenland Falls, Colorado. (Howard Jones opened.)

Dean Martin, Celebrity Roast, Sammy Davis Jr, Charo, Norman Mailer, NBC variety showThe last person “roasted” on the recurring NBC variety series “Dean Martin Celebrity Roast” was US Secretary of Agriculture Douglas C. Melton, on May 15, 1982. Featured speakers included Sammy Davis Jr., actor Werner Klemperer, writers Vincent Bugliosi and Norman Mailer, comedian Artie Johnson, former Chinese General Secretary Mao Zedong, impressionist Rich Little, and dancer/entertainer Charo.

The last piece of bulk rate mail bearing a provocative “teaser” statement on its exterior to be opened and inspected by its recipient was opened by Alice Teagarten of Oneonta, New York on March 30, 1997. Its compelling statement, “CANCER cured by this Common Root Vegetable!!! You’ll never guess what it is!” did not prove sufficiently persuasive to convince Ms. Teagarden to invest three small payments of $8.77 to “discover hundreds of secret all-natural remedies straight from Nature’s Bounty!”

The last person to “walk on the moon”  was Lawrence T. Gaines, assistant director of photography under Stanley Kubrick, on April 11, 1969. Mr. Gaines had his picture taken with a “moon lander” as workmen disassembled the moonscape set assembled on a closed Warner Brothers soundstage as part of President Richard Nixon’s “Operation Blue Moon.” Related: The last person to “moonwalk” was Isaac Yudin on November 7, 1998, at the post Bar Mitzvah celebration for his friend Elliott Freedman.

The last meme posted on MySpace to go viral was uploaded by Doris Hendershot on December 1, 2008. The meme, a Photoshopped rendering of three cats in an animated gif file, featured the cats singing “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” in the voice of actor/celebrity Neil Patrick Harris. The account was last updated in March of 2012 when actor, recording artist and new owner of MySpace, Justin Timberlake, commented on Ms. Hendershot’s post, saying, “Love it!” Ms. Hendershot has not replied.

The last person to purchase Internet pornography with a credit card was Howard D. Utley on September 5, 2005. The purchase, Black Poles, White Holes, crashed Mr. Utley’s RealPlayer media player.

Lenni Lenape, Indian tribe, genocideThe last surviving member of the Lenni-Lenape Indian tribe died in 1802 at the Chester County Poorhouse in Chester County, Pennsylvania. The Lenni-Lenape peoples occupied an area ranging from New York’s Hudson Valley through most of eastern Pennsylvania and Delaware when the first European explorers arrived in the 16th century. In Chester County, a rock with a plaque affixed to it commemorates the death of Indian Hannah (Mrs. Hannah Freeman, 1730-1802).

The last unsolicited query letter sent to a literary agency was written and mailed by Susan Kennedy on September 7, 2006. The letter, a moving testament to the narrative quality and sales potential of Ms. Kennedy’s first book, The Caretakers: Book One of The Sentinels Series, was deposited in the IN basket of Peggy Markson, an unpaid intern who had returned to Dartmouth College two weeks prior. The letter remained there, unopened, until the contents of the IN basket were emptied into a trash bin by a custodian, Sheila Johnson, on December 12, 2006.

The last person to genuinely “give a fuck” was Viola Studgeons, upon the occasion of the Fox television network’s decision to option a fifth (and ultimately final) season of her favorite show, Ally McBeal, on May 5, 2001.

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2 thoughts on “Topics for Further Discussion: The Last Time

  1. Harry,
    Loved your post on Wilson School a while back. I graduated from there in 1966. I attended from 1957 to 1966. Please get back to me.

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