I’m So Sick of Wildlife

Wildlife, Bird Attack




A lot of people are in favor of wildlife, and I guess I understand it. Pelicans, gorillas, whatever.

But I just got attacked by a goddamn bird and I’m tired of this shit.

I run outside a lot. Fitness running, that is. Pretty much any day it’s not snowing. I’ve been running for long enough that I can remember a time when seeing a Canadian goose or a deer or a wild turkey in suburban New Jersey was pretty amazing. Ooooh, honey, look a deer! Do we have the Polaroid Instamatic Land Camera with us?

Those days are over now. Half the time I’ll be running through some state park somewhere, and I’m yelling “Make way! Make way! Coming through!” as I push my way through a herd of malcontent loitering deer. Or I’ll return to my car and be accosted by a panhandling fox or seven.

And don’t even get me started on the frigging geese. All year long, these fat flightless fucks wander around in gaggles, converting every field and lawn into muddy vistas of green goose shit as far as the eye can see. But then, in the spring, they get especially sinister. They pair up and create nests and lay eggs. For some reason, they especially like road medians and the little triangles of grass created by crisscrossing running paths.
Continue reading