Top 10 Things That Need to Go the Fuck Away: 2012 Edition

 

Yay! It’s that time of year again. Time to take stock of the year behind us. Time to celebrate the best and brightest our culture and society have had to offer in the most recent calendar year.

Yeah, but fuck that. Here’s 10 things that have to go, in no particular order.

Bruce Springsteen, E Street BandBruce Springsteen

Springsteen is to middle-class white people as Jay-Z is to inner-city black people. He’s the reason the revolution never happened.  He is the conduit by which legitimate rage and fear and despair was channeled into T-shirt sales. He is the soothing balm slathered on the guilty consciences of David Brooks and Chris Christie and Barack Obama. He is, as Leon Wieseltier described him in the New Republic, “the least dangerous man in America.” I’m no revolutionary, and I believe that stupid people generally get what they deserve, but bad songs are bad songs. Springsteen didn’t always write bad songs. He started writing bad songs right about the time that goopy Southern drawl appeared in his voice and he started doing that gospel shouting thing from the top of Roy Bittan’s piano. Somewhere between 1988 and 1992. (Some would date Springsteen’s sell-by date to 1984-85, but that doesn’t allow for Tunnel Of Love.)

Anyway, listen to “Racing in the Street.” Then listen to “Shackled and Drawn.” Both are protest songs, of a sort. The first is written and performed by someone recognizable as a real person. The second is written and performed by a well-meaning fathead who clips song ideas from the pages of a copy of Mother Jones on the waiting room table in his therapist’s office. Springsteen is reputed to be a big fan of Elvis Presley. He is said, by those close to him, to have learned much from watching Presley’s decline and fall. He has, to his great credit, never become Elvis Presley. Instead, he’s become Colonel Parker, anthemizing his fans’ grievances and re-packaging them in $75 Super Deluxe Editions.

Hungry Hungry Hippos, Hasbro, MovieHungry Hungry Hippos: The Movie

This is a real thing. Hasbro has entered into a partnership with a film production company called Emmett/Furia to develop Hungry Hungry Hippos into a feature movie, along the lines of Battleship. There was a time in this country when smart people cynically sold stupid things to stupid people. Harry Cohn, Louis B. Mayer, Samuel Goldwyn. Whip-smart, unscrupulous Jews who got their start selling tin-plated utensils and tomato seeds from the backs of wagons. That golden age is over now. Today’s Hollywood executives grew up with GameBoy and Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles and PC caches full of porn jpegs. They’re not selling Hungry Hungry Hippos: The Movie to people because they have nothing but contempt for the hapless consumers who make them rich. They’re selling Hungry Hungry Hippos: The Movie to consumers because they genuinely believe Hungry Hungry Hippos is a good thing. Continue reading

Election Morning After: GOP Soul Searching Begins

Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, 2012 Presidential Election

 

 

BOSTON, MA — With the results in for the 2012 U.S. Presidential election, Democrats have what they believe is a voter mandate for their fiscal and social policies of the last four years, while the Republicans are left to pick up the pieces. Already, key GOP political strategists are sifting through the ashes of a failed Romney campaign, seeking clues as to where the effort went wrong. There’s no shortage of finger-pointing and blame-shifting, but many well-placed party operatives have been candid in their opinions of where Romney lost his way, while others have suggested measures targeted at getting the party back on its feet after the electoral drubbing they received on Tuesday.

Many of these GOP operatives were willing to speak off the record to our reporters. Here’s what we’re hearing: Continue reading

Mitt Romney For President!

 

Mitt Romney, 2012 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, US Politics

 

 

A lot of people thought Mitt Romney would never amount to anything, but I always knew he’d come through in the end, when the stakes were highest.

His back to the wall, faced with declining poll numbers and back-stabbed by GOP insiders, Romney opted to do what all the Republican mush-mouthers and dog-whistle blowers and code-word deployers (I’m looking at you, Rush Limbaugh!) have been too cowardly to do.

Mitt Romney declared war on red-state America.
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Attack of the Very Serious People

 

Here’s one good thing about the pending arrival of a Mitt Romney Administration in January of 2013. At least we won’t have to hear about the deficit anymore.

If we’ve learned anything about the Republican style of governance in the last three decades, it’s this: The GOP runs up enormous deficits when a Republican is in the White House, then uses those same deficits as a means to shut down government when a Democrat is in the White House. Once Mitt Romney or Rick Perry or Jon Huntsman takes up residence in the Oval Office in 2013, you can bet it won’t be long before the deficit mania vanishes and the GOP returns to its previous philosophy so eloquently expressed by Vice President Dick Cheney in 2002: “Reagan proved deficits don’t matter.”
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