Stanley Kubrick | Harry Ramble's E-Z Epiphany Dispenser

The last Bicentennial Minute was broadcast on CBS-TV on December 31, 1976 at 8:57 PM EST. It was narrated by black activist Huey Newton, who asked Americans to “fight the oppressors of our modern slave state, down to the last bullet and bomb, just like George fucking Washington.”

The last $1 Video Rewind Fee was paid by Steven Blakely at a Blockbuster Video in Scobeyville, New York on November 2, 2000. The video was a VHS copy of Turner & Hooch (Touchstone, 1989).

The last validated instance of one person interjecting “That’s what she said!” into a conversation and eliciting a laugh occurred on February 12, 1997 in a Steak & Ale franchise in Fayetteville, Arkansas. The statement that precipitated the witty rejoinder was “This piece o’ meat ain’t worth no $8.95!”

The last sports contest played at New York’s Polo Grounds was a wrestling match that pitted former Detroit Lions defensive tackle Alex Karras against an American brown bear. The three-round match, which was televised on ABC-TV’s Wide World of Sports on July 22, 1964, was won by the bear on points, 22-13.

The last unicorn died of dehydration in a sumptuously appointed third-floor bedroom in the Neverland estate of recording artist Michael Jackson on June 12, 1992. The animal’s existence was known to four people on Earth (Mr. Jackson, the child actor Macauley Culkin, and the animal’s two full-time caretakers, Wanda Jefferson and her daughter, Duchess.) The animal died as a result of Mr. Jackson’s decision to terminate the employment of two-thirds of his estate’s staff on June 6, 1992, based on the advice of his astrologer.

The last person under the age of 70 to wear a fedora in public without coming off as a preening, clueless jackoff was Gerald Kelly on January 10, 1986. The event in question was a Human League show at the Lyceum Ballroom in Glenland Falls, Colorado. (Howard Jones opened.)

The last person “roasted” on the recurring NBC variety series “Dean Martin Celebrity Roast” was US Secretary of Agriculture Douglas C. Melton, on May 15, 1982. Featured speakers included Sammy Davis Jr., actor Werner Klemperer, writers Vincent Bugliosi and Norman Mailer, comedian Artie Johnson, former Chinese General Secretary Mao Zedong, impressionist Rich Little, and dancer/entertainer Charo.

The last piece of bulk rate mail bearing a provocative “teaser” statement on its exterior to be opened and inspected by its recipient was opened by Alice Teagarten of Oneonta, New York on March 30, 1997. Its compelling statement, “CANCER cured by this Common Root Vegetable!!! You’ll never guess what it is!” did not prove sufficiently persuasive to convince Ms. Teagarden to invest three small payments of $8.77 to “discover hundreds of secret all-natural remedies straight from Nature’s Bounty!”

The last person to “walk on the moon” was Lawrence T. Gaines, assistant director of photography under Stanley Kubrick, on April 11, 1969. Mr. Gaines had his picture taken with a “moon lander” as workmen disassembled the moonscape set assembled on a closed Warner Brothers soundstage as part of President Richard Nixon’s “Operation Blue Moon.” Related: The last person to “moonwalk” was Isaac Yudin on November 7, 1998, at the post Bar Mitzvah celebration for his friend Elliott Freedman.

The last meme posted on MySpace to go viral was uploaded by Doris Hendershot on December 1, 2008. The meme, a Photoshopped rendering of three cats in an animated gif file, featured the cats singing “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” in the voice of actor/celebrity Neil Patrick Harris. The account was last updated in March of 2012 when actor, recording artist and new owner of MySpace, Justin Timberlake, commented on Ms. Hendershot’s post, saying, “Love it!” Ms. Hendershot has not replied.

The last person to purchase Internet pornography with a credit card was Howard D. Utley on September 5, 2005. The purchase, Black Poles, White Holes, crashed Mr. Utley’s RealPlayer media player.

The last surviving member of the Lenni-Lenape Indian tribe died in 1802 at the Chester County Poorhouse in Chester County, Pennsylvania. The Lenni-Lenape peoples occupied an area ranging from New York’s Hudson Valley through most of eastern Pennsylvania and Delaware when the first European explorers arrived in the 16th century. In Chester County, a rock with a plaque affixed to it commemorates the death of Indian Hannah (Mrs. Hannah Freeman, 1730-1802).

The last unsolicited query letter sent to a literary agency was written and mailed by Susan Kennedy on September 7, 2006. The letter, a moving testament to the narrative quality and sales potential of Ms. Kennedy’s first book, The Caretakers: Book One of The Sentinels Series, was deposited in the IN basket of Peggy Markson, an unpaid intern who had returned to Dartmouth College two weeks prior. The letter remained there, unopened, until the contents of the IN basket were emptied into a trash bin by a custodian, Sheila Johnson, on December 12, 2006.

The last person to genuinely “give a fuck” was Viola Studgeons, upon the occasion of the Fox television network’s decision to option a fifth (and ultimately final) season of her favorite show, Ally McBeal, on May 5, 2001.

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The holidays are upon us again and we’re abuzz with Yuletide spirit here at the EZED. When December rolls around, we like nothing better than sliding a turkey/stuffing/mashed potato TV dinner into the microwave, popping open a 40-oz bottle of Miller High Life, and warming up the old VCR for a long night of nostalgic seasonal classics. Let’s see what’s in the Christmas queue!

Black Christmas (1974)

Whoa, hey, don’t go in the attic, little Cindy-Lou Who! The original “The calls are coming from inside the house!” movie, predating When A Stranger Calls by five years, Black Christmas makes the most of the fact that a sorority house is a pretty lonely place to be on Christmas Eve. There are plenty of evocative shots of departing revelers, abandoned campus greens, and long empty hallways here, as the approach of the holiday is marked by a deeper and deeper silence. And the ringing of the phone. The weird, unhinged quality of the obscene phone calls is what most people remember (grunts, animal shrieks, taunts, and the sound of a little girl crying), but Margot Kidder’s performance, as she drinks herself silly, makes inappropriate remarks, and stumbles around while her few remaining sorority sisters meet gruesome ends, is fun, too. Avoid the recent remake.

The Ice Harvest

Based on Scott Phillips’ terrific crime noir novel, this one stars John Cusack as a mob lawyer who just can’t seem to get out of town on Christmas Eve with the $2 million he’s embezzled from his cold-blooded clients. The delight here is in watching Charlie Arglist (Cusack) drive around and around snowbound Wichita, Kansas, fucking over and being fucked over by his shady companions. The Ice Harvest also includes one of Yuletide cinema’s most wince-inducing scenes: the one in which Arglist buys gifts for his estranged kids ($1.49 shrink-wrapped plastic junk from a 24-hour bodega) in the small hours of Christmas Day, as part of an ill-conceived plan to gain access to his ex-wife’s house. Oh, and another one: Christmas Eve at Wichita’s most dismal titty bar.

Silent Night, Bloody Night

No, not Silent Night, Deadly Night, the crappy ’80s slasher movie. We’re talking Silent Night, Bloody Night here, with all the Andy Warhol Factory regulars. I’d be willing to bet that John Carpenter saw this one when it came out in 1974. Same tale of a sociopath come home to wreak havoc, but on a different holiday. This one wanders a bit through a couple of fairly standard slasher murder scenes until it suddenly raises its game halfway through via several flashback scenes. These scenes, depicting a revolt in an insane asylum, have an otherworldly feel worthy of The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari or a Richard Kern underground reel. Featuring Candy Darling, Ondine, Mary Woronov, and (weirdly) John Carradine, Silent Night, Bloody Night is the Christmas slasher movie that Andy Warhol never made.

Less Than Zero

Christmas is in the air in Less Than Zero, but it’s meant to serve a metaphorical purpose. Newly returned home from school for winter break, freshman Ivy Leaguer Clay reunites with Blair and Julian to make the rounds of holiday parties. But Christmas in California (the fake snow, false cheer, garish plastic trees, trucked-in ice sculptures, ersatz plaster icebergs floating in luxury pools) is meant to signify the disconnect between the characters and their emotions, between their aspirations and their grim realities. Bret Easton Ellis is said to hate this adaptation of his novel, which only makes it better in my eyes.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Let’s face it. Santa Claus is essentially an aloof and unknowable figure, living in mysterious seclusion at the North Pole, employing various arcane mystical powers to maintain us under constant surveillance (to distinguish the nice from the naughty) and traverse the globe in a single night. Oh, and he sneaks into our houses at night. Rare Exports imagines a world in which an American corporation cracks open a mountain in Finland and unleashes the tyrannical, child-devouring fiend Santa Claus. But first you get a plague of elves (emaciated, red-eyed, filthy old men in rags) who go house to house snatching naughty children and dragging them off in burlap bags to Santa’s lair. Ideal for anybody who once found the whole notion of sitting in Santa’s lap to be kind of disquieting.

Eyes Wide Shut

Ho, ho, ho! If your idea of holiday cheer is attending a Christmas Eve orgy with your favorite four-foot-nine-inch-tall, control-freak Scientologist, you’re good to go with Eyes Wide Shut. This movie might have been a creepy masterpiece on the order of A Clockwork Orange, but we’ll never know because Stanley Kubrick died before he could finish it, and then anonymous Warner Bros. hacks made wholesale changes to Kubrick’s rough cut, including digitally altering several scenes.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

But only because the Martians are pretty stupid. Angered by the fact that Martian children are obsessed with the Santa Claus they see on their Martian TVs (they get excellent reception with their Martian rabbit-ear TV antennas), the Martians head off to Earth in their spaceship constructed of spray-painted egg cartons and coffee cans on a mission to kidnap Santa. But the Martians’ freeze-rays are no match for Santa’s high-velocity jolliness and soon holiday spirit prevails once more. Especially memorable for the guy in the floppy polar-bear suit and the guy in the cardboard box who’s supposed to be a robot.

The Lion In Winter

Yeah, it’s Christmas. Christmas in 1183 AD, and the throne of England is up for grabs. Plenty of royal court machinations here, none of which I remember too well, as I haven’t seen this movie since it was in regular rotation on HBO, back in the mid-’70s. I was going to put Ron Howard’s ghastly The Grinch Who Stole Christmas in this slot, but that movie, with its sour, leering, unnerving Jim Carrey performance, is much too depressing for this list.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence

Okay, I’m reaching here, but this wartime psychological drama does include a climactic scene on Christmas Eve, plus the familiar Yuletide conventions of honorable suicide, wartime imprisonment, suppressed homoerotic fixations, and David Bowie (not singing with Bing Crosby here).