Exercises For Extra Credit

extra credit, college life, exams, Is Anyone Up?, testsTime permitting within the test period, the following exercises may be completed and submitted for extra credit (1 point each).

1. Sally has 3 apples, Shawna has an organically grown grapefruit, Molly has a new Powerpuff Girls pencil case, and Madison’s dad is in substance abuse rehab for the 3rd time in two years. If we assume that your former best-friend Riley has not invited you to her 12th-birthday party (at which, just, everyone else is invited) and you drop Drama Club in favor of getting high with your boyfriend Jayden for most of high school junior year, calculate the rate of change (z) in the encroachment of despair, given that (x) is an essentially useless $200,000 degree in art history from UPenn and (y) is a long-standing and undiagnosed eating disorder.

2. Arrange the following elements according to atomic weight, from smallest to greatest:

a) Radium
b) Helium
c) The inadvisability of mixing Adderall, Ecstasy, and 2 glasses of chardonnay
d) Fluorine
e) The chances of that asshole Kevin posting that photo of you to Is Anyone Up?
f) Germanium
g) The fact that Leah is fucking the Iranian TA in exchange for an A in this class

3. It can be argued that a narrative tension arises in Pride And Prejudice between Austen’s impulse, on the one hand, to mock social conventions (as when Elizabeth arrives at Netherfield with muddy skirts), and defend them (as in Elizabeth’s stern censure of Lydia for eloping with Wickham). To what extent does the “happy ending,” earned in large part by the restoration of societal convention, conflict with Austen’s underlying message? Or does it even matter, given that everyone knows the senile old farts in the Academy will vote Best Picture every time for any upper-crusty film about aristocrats with Brit accents? Likewise, is your sympathy for Elizabeth undermined by the fact that Keira Knightley (Oscar nom’d as Elizabeth in 2005) is now flashing her boobs in those super-trashy Chanel perfume ads? And what about Keira’s recent split with long-time beau and major hottie Rupert Friend (Mr. Wickham, no less!)? Finally, in a potential reboot of the Pride And Prejudice franchise, who do you see cast as Elizabeth? Super-hot Emma Stone? Or pop diva Katy Perry? Explain your reasoning.

4. It’s been two years since you dropped out of the University of Albany to “get your head straight” and seven months since your dad suspended your AMEX account. But no one does that “whole cap-and-gown slavery dance anymore.” It’s all social media now and building content with viral potential. One fucking laughing-baby-in-a-high-chair video can generate twenty, thirty grand from click-thrus, never mind the edgy, avant-garde shit you’ve been doing with Stefan, who you met delivering Chinese food. No one reads your blog and no one ever will, but that whole “reading text thing” is a dead end anyway. You’re up in the low four-figures in YouTube views for your film “Transverse Conduit 171A” and  you’d be even higher if Google wasn’t a fucking pay-to-play scam.  As for Zoey, well, she’ll be back, and the rent won’t be a problem. Briefly discuss possible motivations for getting out of bed this morning.

5. Draw a simple flow chart that correctly describes the relationship among the following factors:

a) Your 12-month contract position at a popular news site that requires strong journalism skills, comprehensive programming knowledge, and personal scheduling flexibility
b) Your checking account balance of $23.70
c) Alternating feelings of listlessness and fear
d) $85,000 in student loan debt
e) The fact that single women outnumber single men in this city by, like, 200,000, so that every schlubby guy with back hair and bad breath is dating a supermodel, while you’re getting shingles from working eleven hours a day and wearing one of the two decent blouses you can afford

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The Revolution This Time

 

Occupy Wall Street, We Are the 99 Percent healthcare retirementMaybe nothing will be accomplished at the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations and marches. Maybe the whole thing will dissolve into riots and chaos and looting. Maybe the cops will finally arrest enough people to cripple the event’s momentum. Maybe nothing will change at all and corporations will keep banking their profits and shipping jobs overseas, while the big banks privatize obscene profits and socialize all the losses attendant upon their gaming of the system.

But at least someone is standing up and saying something.

Until last weekend, if you read anything about the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations now going on in Zuccotti Park (re-named Liberty Square by the protestors) you read that it was a silly, unfocused bacchanal staged by a few hundred disaffected hippies. That’s what Citibank and President Obama  and the GOP and the New York Times want you to think. Never mind the usual cranks like Glenn Beck and Rick Perry and Tea Party “revolutionaries” whose idea of revolution begins and ends with being personally exempted from paying taxes (like their free-market heroes at General Electric). It’s Lockheed Martin and CNN and Aetna who want you to think that the problem with America is selfish Americans who aspire to some kind of affordable living wage and access to universal healthcare that might prevent them from being financially destroyed by their next illness.

So for a week what you saw in the media was, “Ha, ha, look at the dirty hippies and weirdos,” and “Why don’t you get a job?”

We Are The 99 Percent, Occupy Wall Street, banks, corporationsBut then old people whose savings were wiped out showed up, and the people who work fifty and sixty hours a week and still don’t make enough money to lift themselves above the poverty line (in a city where 20% of the population exists below the poverty line) showed up. And then the broken Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans showed up and and the people with PhDs and $75,000 student loans that have ballooned into $200,000 debts due to bank fees and penalties showed up. Oh, and the Marines showed up—to protect the protestors. On Wednesday, the unions are showing up.

And what can the corporations and the banks really say? It’s been three years since the global financial institutions drove the economy off a cliff, and not one act of legislation has been passed to rein them in. No one went to jail except Bernie Madoff, who had the temerity to steal from rich people. Months after the self-inflicted calamity, it was business as usual on Wall Street, with the biggest firms handing out eight- and nine-figure bonuses to executives who apparently must be retained at any cost.

What can Barrack Obama say? All of his biggest donors are Wall Street bankers; all of his “financial advisors” and “job czars” are the same Goldman Sachs and General Electric CEOs who created the crisis. On the GOP side, it’s all about breaking unions and cutting spending. Even if Congressional Republicans would let a true banking reform bill reach Obama’s desk, he’d never sign it.

We Are The 99 Percent, Occupy Wall Street, protest, Social SecurityMeanwhile, the big banks borrow money at 0% interest from the US government (the Federal Funds Rate has been at zero, since December 2008), then lend it to cash-strapped Americans at interest rates of 14.99%. The Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005, signed into law by George Bush in 2005 as a means to make declaring bankruptcy more difficult for ordinary Americans, remains in effect even as the banks themselves have demonstrated their willingness to shake down those same Americans for hundreds of billions the moment the big banks’ bottom lines are threatened by their own malfeasance. Banks, in collusion with colleges, have presided over a system in which college fees and tuition have risen 439% since 1982, while student loan borrowers remain the only class of borrowers who have no recourse to bankruptcy protection. Americans have grown used to the fact that their 401(k)s grow in small increments during good times and plummet precipitously during bad times.

So now somebody is saying something. And Big Business and the bankers are silent, fully expecting, like dozens of Hosni Mubaraks, to wait out the tempest with the help of the media and the police and the politicians of both parties. But the people in the street, the “99 percent,” burdened with unrepayable debt and with little hope for the future, have nothing left to lose. If the revolution this time fails, it lays the groundwork for the success of the next one.

Critics (mostly on the right) admonish the protestors for being unrealistic. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you,” they say. But these people are past all that now. The younger protestors are part of a Lost Generation that graduated from college to find a barren employment landscape. They’ll never catch up to the lifestyles their parents and grandparents enjoyed. The older people are disenfranchised in their 40s and 50s; many will never again work in any real career or professional capacity at all. They have nothing for retirement. The hand stopped feeding these people a long time ago.

Here’s a photo blog over at WeAreThe99Percent of desperate, protestors and those similarly effected, who have written out their doleful stories for the world to see. Look at all the dirty hippies, too lazy to get jobs:

We Are The 99 Percent

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The Vampire Squid Speaks

So it turns out that there are two kinds of vampire squids.

There’s the vampire squid that “is wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money,” and there’s the vampire squid that does the same thing while also taunting you with outright lies and insults.

Henry J. Paulson, former CEO of Goldman Sachs and former US Secretary of the Treasury, is the second kind of vampire squid. His Eminence stepped down from the clouds briefly to speak with the the NY Times’ Andrew Ross Sorkin about the real cause of our now double-dipping Great Recession. His take?

“Many of the Western democracies — including the U.S. — have a problem that voters want benefits they don’t want to pay for,” Mr. Paulson said.

Thanks for the heads-up, Henry!

See, it’s not about the fact that visionaries like Henry pay 15% federal tax on their income (capital gains, you know) while the rest of us pay 25% and 28% payroll tax on ours.

It’s not the fact that middle-class taxpaying Americans doggedly pay into Social Security and Medicare programs all of their working lives, while bankers immediately demand taxpayer bailouts the instant their clumsy, ham-handed attempts to game the system result in possible quarterly losses and forfeiture of their year-end bonuses.

It’s not the fact that financial institutions like Goldman Sachs are raping everyone from Greece to Jefferson County, Alabama to student loan borrowers that are caught up in an endless cycle of new fees, penalties, and an ironclad no-bankruptcy policy that are driving young people to contemplate suicide.

It’s not the fact that we live in the midst of a lose-lose regulatory environment in which the titans of the financial industry privatize all profits and socialize all losses.

It’s that we, the American taxpayers, are greedy.

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